Small Talk Wedding Series: How to Interact with In-laws

Well, it’s officially wedding season! Over the next few months, I'll be sharing some small talk tips on all things wedding. From the bride and groom introducing the in-laws to being a best man giving a toast to being a guest at a reception, I'll provide you with all the conversation essentials to make wedding season special.

Ideally, this is a time that bonds families, reinforces friendships and marks a momentous right of passage. And it wouldn’t be right without a few uncomfortable social situations along the blissful way. This brings us to our first wedding installment...meeting the in-laws and introducing families.

So, you’re engaged. Congratulations! Now that you’re formally on the path to uniting kin, it’s time to meet your future family. Unless you’re high school sweethearts, you probably haven’t met each other’s parents and siblings. Even though you’re planning on being your perfect self during this encounter, having the right small talk ammo can be the key to setting off a great first impression.

When meeting your future in-laws, there are a few laws you need to live by.

1) Give a compliment. Tell your fiancé’s mom how much you like her shoes or her home. Or better yet, compliment her on the amazing son she raised whom you can’t wait to spend your life with. Compliments automatically make people feel more comfortable and can often be a launching pad for conversation.

2) Practice politeness. Politeness is paramount when interacting with your future in-laws. Generally, whatever you learned in kindergarten is a good rule to follow: share the speaking floor, say “please” and “thank you” and be respectful. If you don’t demonstrate manners at this meeting, your marriage could be a big mess.

3) Ask questions. This is a great opportunity to ask questions about the family’s history, traditions or specific values. Not only will you seem considerate for caring, you’ll gain some interesting insight into the person you’re marrying and be able to incorporate his family legacy into the wedding.

4) Stay on neutral topics. In your first meeting with your new family, don’t ramble on about your deep connection to some ancient and eccentric spiritual belief. By avoiding hot topics like religion and politics, the conversation will keep the mood light. That’s not to say you should hide who you are, but reserve those more comprehensive conversation topics for a more appropriate time.

5) Control your cocktails. Don’t let your drinking get out of hand when initially meeting in-laws (or throughout the entire wedding process). If everyone’s having a cocktail, slowly sip one graciously and leave it at that. Over-consuming can lead to bad behavior, inappropriate remarks and embarrassing conduct that you can’t take back. You want to be married forever, not leave a bad impression forever.


Now that you’ve aced meeting your in-laws, it’s time for both families to make an acquaintance. That means introducing your liberal, outspoken New York parents to your fiancé’s conservative, reserved Nebraska parents. Breathe. You’re about to get a few pointers to ensure the event is effortless.

1) Follow all of the above rules. They still apply and should throughout your entire wedding process.

2) Find common ground. Help your families discover commonalities. If you know both your dad and your fiancé’s dad love to fish. Say, “Hey, Dad, Mr. Johnson just got back from a deep-sea fishing trip in the Gulf of Mexico.” Or tell your sister, who’s interested in attending Yale, that your fiancé’s brother just graduated from there and introduce them. It’s part of your job to facilitate conversations and make sure everyone is communicating.

3) Give a head’s up. Fill your family in on some interesting facts about your future family. Things like occupation, favorite hobbies and general likes and dislikes are a good place to start. If you provide them with some specific insights, they will be more equipped with conversation clues.

4) Follow up. After the meeting, send a thank you email to everyone and attach a picture or two. You’ll open up new lines of communication, giving everyone a chance to say anything they may have not had a chance to say. By tying up loose ends, you’ll feel more comfortable tying the knot.


There are a lot of things to worry about when planning a wedding. Talking shouldn’t be one of them! Over the next few months, I’ll provide you with some full-proof talking tips so you can enjoy all the conversations leading up to your wedding. If you follow these tips, you’ll be able to focus on enjoying your big day and all the magical moments along the way.

Small Talk Hits a Small Speed Bump

Recently, small talk has hit a small speed bump. A newly released study by the Journal of Psychological Science has found that people who have more substantial, meaningful conversations are overall happier.

While I find the study interesting, my experience with small talk has been completely different. As a former engineer who had absolute disdain for small talk, I now have plenty of anecdotal evidence to support my thoughts on why small talk can be successful for building important relationships.

I agree with the study in the sense that your life cannot be comprised of only singular, small talk encounters and that that behavior could result in unhappiness. In order to avoid this, you can’t let the conversation stop with small talk. You have to let it advance into something more meaningful. Think of small talk as an appetizer before an entrée. As long as you don’t get full from the appetizer, you’ll eventually get to a meaty entrée and a productive relationship can be built. Most connected relationships – business, social or romantic – begin with small talk. Then, deeper conversations allow profound bonds to evolve.

If you are good at small talk and apply proper small talk strategies, you’ll be more equipped to transition into more meaningful conversation topics, thus leading to the formation of relationships. To be a good communicator and to be in a position to build relationships, small talk is essential. It’s no small matter.

Small Talk for Successful Business Networking

Do you avoid talking to people in business settings? Do you dread receptions, banquets, and other business-related social events? Do you struggle to make meaningful, long-term connections at work? You’re not alone. Many of us are apprehensive about these situations, because most of us either hate entering rooms where we don’t know anyone or hate spending time with people we don’t know well. With a little practice and use of these helpful tips, you’ll be conversing at the water cooler effortlessly.

1) Introduce and initiate. Go ahead and initiate with a hello! Even if you recognize, or slightly know someone, re-introduce yourself. Be aware of how he introduces himself (you may know him as Charles, but maybe he goes by Chuck) and use his name throughout your interaction. This will help you remember it in the long run and also establish a personal connection. By taking ownership and initiating a conversation, you will feel more in control to drive the direction of the exchange.

For the rest of the steps on Small Talk for Successful Business Networking, please visit the full Wikihow article:

http://www.wikihow.com/Small-Talk-for-Successful-Business-Networking

Virtual Vulnerability

In a digital world where you have a platform to share every detail of your life – photographs, employment information, marital status, who your friends are, political and religious views – you are completely exposed to virtual vulnerability. The younger generation may not care about the implications of their online actions. However, it’s the adult users making social networking mistakes that can affect their real and computer-generated image long-term. With a single click of a button on Facebook, MySpace or Twitter, you can completely undermine your identity. Here are some simple tips to execute proper digital etiquette and help make your online persona appropriate and effective.

Privatize Your Page – Before you even begin posting personal information on a Webpage, know how to operate your restriction settings. Social networks offer you options such as who can see your profile page and who is privy to certain information within your profile. So use the necessary controls to protect yourself….and your cyber-self.

Know Your Audience – Is your profile page for personal or professional use? This can be a tough line to draw. Ideally you would want to keep two pages – one for personal use and one for business purposes, especially if you have your own business. There can be overlap though, so think before you click. Should you accept or reject a boss, co-worker or client who asks you to be “friends?” If you feel compelled to add someone who exists in your professional world to your personal page, limit his or her access to only see parts of your profile (i.e., let them see your basic background information, but not pictures of you drinking with your buddies in Las Vegas).

Post with Prudence and Display with Discretion – As scary as it might be, people are “googling” you. And, when they do, your social network profile page is popping up. There are settings to change this, but if you are OK with making your personal page public, ensure you know exactly what you’re sharing. Do you want a potential future employer to know your age? Or a business partner to know your political stance? Or an ex-boyfriend to know you’re pregnant? You’d be surprised how much people can find out about you based on what you or others have posted. Avoid over-sharing and controversial content to preserve your online social stock.

Delete, Delete, Delete – Don’t be afraid to delete comments or pictures your “friends” post on your page. As an online citizen, you need to know how to do this and not be afraid to do it. Revealing photos, tales of wild exploits on your “wall” and less than tasteful comments can lead to a digital disaster, so delete them!

Don’t Drink and Friend – Well, let’s hope you’re not sitting at home, or even worse, your office, downing a bottle of wine and scoping out potential cyber friends, but as a reminder, don’t go around recklessly “friending” folks. Before you run off sending friend requests to your junior-high crush or Brad Pitt, consider if you really care about being “friends” with this person. And furthermore, could you handle the rejection factor that may follow if they don’t accept your request? Social networks can be a great tool to re-connect with old friends, network with industry counterparts and get involved in your community, but that doesn’t mean you should go around building your “friend” database with every person you’ve ever met. The same goes for accepting friend requests that come to your mailbox. If you haven’t talked to someone in years (because you haven’t wanted to talk with that person in years) or if someone appears to be a stranger, you can ignore his or her request without rudely hitting the reject button.

Use Virtual Vernacular – The words you use on your Webpage should be different from what you would say in an email to a close friend. Avoid curse words, insults, inappropriate jokes and any other jargon that could be deemed tasteless. In addition to sterilizing your page, be respectful of what you post on another’s profile, as it is all linked to you.

Social networking can be a great way to increase your online visibility, and connect with new and old associates. When you use your social networking smarts, you can enhance your credibility and build your business or career with a few clicks of the mouse. But, if you fail to use proper digital etiquette, you can find yourself losing credibility, clients, and business opportunities just as easily. The choice is permanent, because the Internet never forgets or forgives your missteps...so proceed with enthusiasm as well as caution.


Debra Fine is a former engineer now a bestselling author, keynote speaker and conversation guru. Debra’s bestselling book The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep it Going, Build Rapport and Leave a Positive Impression (Hyperion) joins her 2008 release of The Fine Art of the Big Talk: How to Win Clients, Deliver Great Presentations and Solve Conflicts at Work (Hyperion). Her recent media appearances include The Today Show, The Early Show, CNN, NPR Morning Edition and 100’s of magazines and newspapers across the United States. For more information about Debra Fine visit wwwDebraFine.com.

Airplane Talk?

No First Class today! I am lucky to be on an airplane considering the tumult that the airlines have caused now that they have been chastened to maintain their planes to FAA regulations. American Airlines cancelled 1000 flights today and on top of that the weather in the middle of the U.S. was lousy. So although grateful to be on a flight to Baltimore to present for Heery International tomorrow I am sure to be missing networking opportunities.
Keith Ferrazzi author of Never Eat Alone and the master of networking would be sorely disappointed. He built a financial practice by purchasing his own upgrades for First Class when he worked for Deloitte many years ago. Eventually Deloitte reimbursed him for the cost once they discovered how many new relationships were developed and how much business Keith booked with his fellow seat mates in First Class. Keith’s number one suggestion for starting a conversation in First Class? During the meal, when your seat buddy is probably bored and more open to conversation.
What is your best tip for airplane conversation? Or are you more interested in how to end those airplane conversations?

April Fool's

It is possible that my third book might take flight from the following:

Maybe you know someone (besides me) that needs this class?
Appearing on this months back cover of the Colorado Free University catalogue (or as it is labeled in honor of April Fools': Colorado Expensive University):
The Fine Art of Shutting UpDo you find yourself getting off the elevator at the wrong floor because you can’t stop talking to someone you met on the way up? Do you avoid libraries and the ballet because the sound of “Shhh!” drives you crazy? Does the song Sounds of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel make your skin crawl? Do you have nightmares about Trappist monks who serenely observe their vow of silence? This workshop will help you overcome your fear of peace and quiet as you learn how to take a full breath of air into your lungs, talk without food in your mouth, tell a story that actually has a beginning and an ending, give “yes” and “no” answers, engage in conversation without people fleeing your presence, and actually hear what other people say. Debra Fine is a best selling author and internationally recognized keynote speaker who has had her own struggles with shutting up. $149 Non-Member $154 Member Discounts given for early graduationCENTRAL DENVER: Colorado Legislature General Assembly8623X: Every Tues. (until you shut up), 6-9 p.m. Begins 4/1

Welcome to the fine art of conversation

If it were not for the last minute I would never get things done. Finally I have implemented my blog, and although it feels like the last minute, my guess is that in 5 years I won’t feel like the caboose in the world of blogging. It is about time however that I get chatting on the Internet as I have been doing plenty of it out in this wonderful world of ours. Let me know if I can provide you with answers to your questions about networking skills, developing rapport with clients or colleagues, mingling at parties or tips for job interviews or making presentations. I am all about Big and Small conversations and look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime look for regular postings about icebreaker tips and starting conversations, exit lines, mastering introductions, remembering names, hosting parties, listening skills and avoiding conversation killers!
Until then…on to my next “last minute” task.