Be a Small Talk Survivor this Holiday Party Season!

Does the thought of attending one more open house, business event, or social gathering this holiday season make you want to throw yourself overboard? You are not alone. Many people become nervous or apprehensive when meeting new people and starting new conversations. It can be difficult to enter a room and be ambushed by new faces everywhere you turn. Meeting all these new faces and engaging in conversation can be exhausting. But it does not have to be this way.

Become a small talk survivor. Small talk survivors turn these situations into opportunities for success. These holiday events all have the potential to become great networking possibilities

Whether you are at a business meet and greet or a neighbor’s holiday get together, you can use conversational skills as a tool with which to build new connections, while avoiding awkward pauses and uncomfortable conversations. After all, any relationship starts with small talk.

The first step in becoming a small talk survivor is realizing just how important conversational skills are. Mastering the art of small talk is not only essential in forming new relationships, but also in creating lasting impressions. With the right approach and preparation anyone can become a skilled conversationalist. Great small talkers are made, not born.

The next time you find yourself at a holiday function, try one of these top ten icebreakers:

1. “How do you know the host/hostess”?
   


2. “What are some of your family holiday traditions?”



3. “Since we have last gotten together, what is new with your family/work?
   


4. “Tell me about your plans for this holiday season…”



5. “What is your favorite thing about the holiday season? Why?”



6. “Bring me up to date on what you have coming up/planned for the upcoming year?”
   


7. “Describe your typical holiday festivities…”
   


8. “What special gifts do you have planned to give this year?”



9. “What was the best gift you ever received? Why?”



10. “How does the holiday season impact your work/industry?”
    

Once you have broken the ice, follow these important tips to ensure your small talk success:

• Don’t rush through conversations. Take your time and be sure to remember names and use them frequently during conversations.



• Show an interest in every person you meet. By showing an interest you are creating a favorable impression of yourself.
  


• Be prepared. Before entering an event, take a couple minutes and think of at least three conversation points or topics. If you happen to encounter an uncomfortable silence, these conversation points will always come in handy.



• Always maintain eye contact. Eye contact is an easy way to make others feel comfortable, important, and special.



• Act confident through your body language, even if you are not. Nervous body language can make others uncomfortable and anxious. Try to be aware of your body language throughout conversations.



• Be a careful listener. By listening intently to what others are saying, you are not only making them feel important, but you can use information you gather to keep the conversation going.



• Make people feel special. People, even shy ones, like to talk about themselves, so let them.



• Don’t steal the show, and don’t let others steal the show either. Try to give everyone in an interaction the opportunity to speak and let their opinions be heard. If someone else is monopolizing a conversation, wait until a pause or that person takes a breath and then makes a comment that can steer the conversation in a new direction. Or include someone who has not been heard from or is new to the conversation by asking, “What is your opinion on this?” or “What are your views on this issue?”



• Be appropriate. In certain settings some topics may not be suitable. And be careful when asking about spouses or relationships, you may end up regretting it.



• Don’t interrogate a conversational partner. Questions like: “Where are you from?” “Are you married?” and “What do you do for a living?” can stop a conversation before it ever really starts.



• Be respectful of the opinions of others. Not everyone agrees on things, and friendly disagreements can be a gateway to a great conversation.



• Have exit lines prepared. You will probably want to mingle with several people around the room.

This holiday season every new face is a new opportunity for conversational success. Don’t find yourself voted off the island, use the tips provided here to help guarantee you will be a small talk survivor!

Hurrican Irene Inspires Small Talk

As Hurricane Irene descends on the East Coast, federal disaster officials have warned that Internet outages may force people to

interact with other people for the first time in years. Residents are

bracing themselves for the horror of awkward silences & unwanted eye

contact. FEMA advised: “Be prepared. Write down possible topics to

talk about in advance. Sports...the weather. Remember, a conversation

is basically a series of Facebook updates strung together.

Top Ten Holiday Office Party Blunders

We are all invited to open houses, office parties and holiday dinners. Some of us are dragged! Here are some tips to turn those occasions into opportunities for success!

1. Skip the Party
Thinking of not attending? Think twice. Your presence is mandatory if you expect to attain or maintain visibility within your organization. If office parties are your idea of a root canal approach the party as a task that you will succeed at making into a worthwhile investment of your time.

2. Forget to Wear Your Smile and Make a Positive Impression
This is the time to make those around you feel comfortable and enjoy getting to know you. Appear approachable in your body language with good posture (no slouching!), eye contact and a warm smile. Appear relaxed even if you have to fake it, as no one wants to spend time with someone ill-at-ease or nervous. You participate in activities, devote time to hobbies, maybe you like sports and travel. You might even have attended the same school as someone you work with. This is the time to find out. Anyone will be delighted to learn that members of their team are actually multi-faceted human beings.

3. Drag Along Un-Invited Guests
Get a babysitter! Odds are great that your colleagues do not share in your delight for your children's company. It has become less common to have family members at parties due to budget cuts. Bring your spouse or partner if it is clear that is the expectation. Never make assumptions.

4. Make Assumptions About Who You Are Talking To
Are you certain of this person's position or alliances within the company? Probably not, so skip the gossip and negative comments of any kind. Prepare by reviewing a company directory in order know people's names and be ready for introductions

5. Wear Your "Cup Runneth Over" Cleavage or Your Tattered Harley Davidson T-Shirt
Despite encouragement from the executive suite that the office holiday party is a great time to "enjoy", "relax" and "just have fun," odds are that does not mean wear the clothes you are the most relaxed in or have the most fun in, be it skimpy tops, or the jeans you wore to the Blink 182 concert. Imagine how unsettling it is to see extra skin on the boss or cubicle buddy, or what an unprofessional lasting image those jeans left behind. And its an image not quickly forgotten when you are at your next quarterly revenue meeting requesting additional budget increases.


6. Get Drunk and Tell Your Boss How You REALLY Feel
Cocktails make for loose lips that sink ships! Watch your intake to insure your mind moves faster than your mouth. Abstinence for this party is a wise and risk free plan.
Anxiety is directly related to increased alcohol intake so if you must imbibe, just take a few sips, or water down your drink so it lasts a lot longer. As friendly as your boss is at the office party this is not the time to ask for a raise, mention a friend who is looking for a job, or offer your opinion about the lousy coffee provided the break room.

7. Limit Your Conversation to "Shop Talk"
You approach the Manager of Test, introduce yourself and then, well, what do you say? Guess what? He or she is probably is not hoping for an update on the project your team is in the thick of. If you like, you can keep the conversation work-related, just not specific to the current work you are doing: "Tell me about your career path in human resources..." or some favorites opening for these occasions: "What keeps you busy outside of work?" or "Tell me about your holiday plans...". People enjoy talking about themselves, especially when they perceive a genuine interest.

8. Mingle Only With Your Best Office Cronies
It is tempting to remain in your comfort zone, talking with the people you meet regularly within your department or enjoy lunch with a couple times a week. Instead, your company party may be the only time you have all year for a face to face conversation with the CEO. The office party is an opportunity to get to know new people and enjoy the chance for others to get to know you. Invest the effort in making sure the people who should know that you are there, know that you are there. Circle the room and say hello to your boss, her husband and other decision makers and executives. Push yourself and introduce yourself to people you don't know.

9. Leave Manners to the Etiquette Experts
If the invitation requires a RSVP, promptly respond either way; if the office party is being hosted at a home, bring a host/hostess gift; and even if the party is in a grand ballroom, thank your hosts or boss before you leave. If the boss is accompanied by his or her spouse do not wait to be "properly introduced" or you will be taken for a snob. Treat the service people as you would members of your family with graciousness and kindness. And do not be the last to leave a party, you do not want to be remembered as the last person to take leave of the party.


10. Assume People Will Forget Your Blunder
So, you stepped in it. You insisted that children in private schools gained a far better education. You expressed your disgust with those that purchase foreign cars rather than American made and she's drives a BMW. You shared an anecdote that is inappropriate. Now make amends. Apologize. Let your boss or team mate know what happened before they hear it through the grapevine. Get out in front of the problem. The mistake might not matter as much as how you handle what comes after it, experts say. So deal with it and move on.

Denver Post - Are Social Media Making Us Tone Deaf?

The Denver Post this week published an interesting article, which featured some local communication experts weighing in on the social media's effect on communication. This is a very relevant topic in today's digitally-dominated communication world, so take note.


Are Social Media Making Us Tone Deaf?
By Sheba R. Wheeler

How many different ways could a person go wrong with a Facebook status update like this one:

"At the doctor's office. Hope everything is OK."

Within minutes a response pops up from one friend — and another and another: "OMG. What's wrong????"

When she read this post, Denver author Debra Fine feared her sister was seriously ill and started to panic. A few minutes later, Fine's sister replied again on Facebook:

"What do you mean what's wrong? I'm just here for my physical."

"My sister was spouting thoughts that had no nuance, no volume, no tone, no pacing. This is definitely an example of how not to communicate through social media," says Fine, author of the "The Fine Art of Small Talk" (Small Talk Publishers, $12.95). She's completing the research on her third book, "When Texting Is Not an Option."

Despite all the ways we have to stay connected — from texting to tweeting to talking — people still have a hard time figuring out when it's best to communicate through e-mails, phone calls or face to face. Each type of interaction has its pros and cons. But immediacy and lack of foresight often lead to carelessness that can come back to bite the sender.

Tiger Woods' infidelity was chronicled on alleged text messages shared with his numerous mistresses. And Kimberly Swann of Essex, England, made international news last year when she was fired after she said her office job was "boring" on her Facebook page.

"When you are talking to someone in person, you can smooth things over," Fine says. "But when something is texted, e-mailed, blogged or posted on a social networking site, that becomes concrete language that someone can use as evidence."

Fine used to work as an engineer. But her desire to learn better conversational skills kick-started her second career. She now teaches those skills to others in seminars, workshops and speeches.

Technology can enhance relationships if used correctly, she says. It can be used to stay in touch, set up appointments and have more meaningful conversations because frequent online posts keep everyone updated on life happenings.

The downside is harsher and hastier communication that can be easily misconstrued when people inappropriately use Facebook, e-mail, Twitter or instant messaging. People tend to be more demanding, gossipy and duplicitous while at the same time being less mindful of the needs and feelings of others.

You have to take the time to figure out exactly what is being communicated and then decide which vehicle will best help you get the result you want.

Confidential or intimate information shouldn't be shared on social-networking sites, Fine says. That includes breaking up with someone, delivering bad news, or dealing with personnel or financial matters. Opt for face-to-face.

"One of my clients told me she has received every single evaluation, assignment and discussion about upcoming meetings from her immediate supervisor via e-mail," says Sandra Lamb, the Denver author of "How to Write It," which includes a chapter on e-mail, electronic and online communication.

When something needs to be negotiated, explained or an immediate answer is needed, use the telephone, Lamb says. Use e-mail to give or request information. Use a conference call when dealing with multiple recipients to avoid the trap of forwarding e-mails back and forth.

Pause before you send

Think through what you are posting or forwarding and consider how it might be interpreted. Remember that people tend to see things in a negative light unless it's otherwise clarified, so the possibility of miscommunication rests on the person who pushes the send button, Lamb says.

"We are all very sensitive, and when a statement is made, we are looking for how we should interpret it," Lamb says. "In order to live in this new environment, we need to be more thick-skinned and ask for interpretations. Respond to an e-mail or post and ask what something means or if it was code for something else."

People also get tripped up about when it's wise to switch modes of communication, says Will Schwalbe, who with David Shipley co-wrote "Send: Why People Email So Badly and How to Do It Better" (Vintage Books, $14.95).

The default is often to communicate back in the same manner someone contacted you, but that is often a mistake, Schwalbe says. It's why a little tiff on e-mail can turn into a flame war.

"If someone sends you an e-mail that makes you furious, absolutely do not reply by e-mail," he says. "Pick up the phone, because if you reply by e-mail you will amp up the hostility level."

Similarly, call someone immediately if they are upset about a poorly worded e-mail or text that you have written.

If you are spending too much time with back-and- forth e-mails trying to get something explained, call or meet face-to-face, Schwalbe says.

Steer clear of sarcasm in your posts, because studies have shown that for every 10 sarcastic messages that are sent, at least one person won't get it and will take it at face value. Petulance or rage should also be avoided in tweets, in Facebook status updates, text and instant messaging because all those types of communication can be forwarded and saved.

Schwalbe is a big fan of using exclamation points in his electronic communications to convey his excitement. But he stays away from asking questions because they are often taken as criticisms in e-mails.

And the best advice for communicating? Cut each other some slack. A decade ago, few people were e-mailing. Now we communicate electronically hundreds of times a day. Mistakes are bound to happen.

"We may ruin relationships or burn a bridge without realizing it at all," Schwalbe says. "Be more thoughtful about the way we communicate with each other and take the extra minute to do it better. Then be more forgiving of people who don't do it so well."

Small Talk Wedding Series: How to be a Great Guest at a Wedding

Welcome back to The Fine Art of Small Talk wedding series. Hopefully you’ve read the first four wedding series installments - How To Interact With In-laws, Get the Wedding Party Properly Prepped to Talk, Get Your Toast in Tip Top Shape and Handle Your Receiving Line Like a Pro. It’s finally time to enjoy the wedding! But are you equipped with the skills to make the most of the marriage festivities?

Wedding parties and receptions can be a fun time to interact with old friends and celebrate with relatives, but if you don’t know many people it can be socially uncomfortable. Even if you do know a good majority of wedding guests, there are some reception rules to follow for maximum – and appropriate – fun:

1) Mix, mingle and move around. The best way to meet people and interact at weddings is to explore the different areas of the party to see where other like-minded people might be gathering. If you are rolling solo, see if there are any other singles mixing around the bar or mingling by the buffet, and strike up a conversation. Giving someone a compliment is always a great way to initiate a dialogue. Try, “I love your dress, that color looks great on you! I’m Stacey and I used to work with the bride. What’s your name?” And try to seal it with a handshake (if your hands aren’t full with food or drinks) to make it more personal. If you know several people at the wedding and spot some singles, make the grand gesture of going up to them and introducing yourself and possibly some others you know there.

2)Reach out to relatives. Often, one of the most uncomfortable things about attending a family member’s wedding is seeing all the relatives you haven’t seen in years. Although it may be somewhat awkward, it’s important to make a point of interacting with your relatives. Sure, your great Aunt Helen won’t be able to stop talking about “how much you’ve grown,” but connecting with family members, especially ones from out of town is part of the wedding celebration. Be prepared to tell relatives what you’ve been up to in your personal and professional life and direct similar questions to them. Before your know it, you’ll feel like family again!

3)Table talk. When seated at an assigned table, you should introduce yourself to everyone else at the table. The bride and groom put you at that table for a reason, so utilize the seating arrangement to get to know some of the other guests. Engage in conversation by finding out how the others know the bride and groom, where they are from and even their occupation. You could discover a love interest, new friend, or potential business contact.

4) Give thanks. As a guest at a wedding, you should make a point to introduce yourself to the bride and grooms’ families and express your thanks. If you can site a specific element of the wedding that stands out in your mind as memorable, include that in your conversation. Try: “Hi Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. I’m Harry and I work with your daughter. She’s a beautiful bride. Thank you for a spectacular evening. The photo booth was a fun touch. Congratulations to you both.”

5) Put a cork in it. Free booze at a wedding is always tempting, but limit yourself to a few drinks. You don’t need to get completely intoxicated to be social and gregarious. And you don’t want to be “that person” who is too drunk and making a scene. That doesn’t mean you can’t linger around the bar to meet and chat with others.

6)Have fun. The point of a wedding party is to have fun and celebrate with the newlyweds. So, eat, dance, partake in group activities and enjoy talking to familiar and unfamiliar people.

There are a lot of things to worry about when planning and attending a wedding. Interacting and socializing shouldn’t be one of them! Hopefully you’ve benefited from these full-proof talking tips that allow you to enjoy all the conversations leading up to and during your wedding. If you follow these tips, you and your guests will be able to focus on enjoying the big day!

Carly Fiorina’s Small Mindedness

Carly Fiorina, recently crowned Republican candidate for Senator of California, is already embroiled in controversy. Fiorina's camp shrugged off her dig at Barbara Boxer's hair ("so yesterday") and other catty comments as "early-morning small talk."

As a small talk expert and best selling author of The Fine Art of Small Talk (Hyperion), I am appalled. Fiorina's small mindedness isn’t the same thing as small talk. Ms. Fiorina needs to employ the old adage 'if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all'...especially when a microphone is in the vicinity! Wise politicians use small talk to develop relationships with the voter, volunteer and fundraiser to build a community of support. Ms. Fiorina is simply making a good case for why gossip and small mindedness cause damage to relationships!

Small Talk Wedding Series: Handle Your Receiving Line Like a Pro

Welcome back to The Fine Art of Small Talk wedding series. Hopefully you’ve read the first three wedding series installments - How To Interact With In-laws, Get the Wedding Party Properly Prepped to Talk, and Get Your Toast in Tip Top Shape. Now it’s time to think about greeting and addressing your wedding guests.

The receiving line is a long-running tradition in which the couple and specific members of their families greet guests. It’s a simple way to transition the mood from ceremony to reception and make everyone feel comfortable and acknowledged. That being said there are some important rules to receiving.

1)The lineup. Experts have differing opinions about who partakes in the receiving line, but typically, it’s the mother of the bride, the bride, the groom and his mother (in that order depending on how formal you want to be). Often the fathers are nearby mingling with guests and making informal introductions. But, I think adding in the fathers, especially if they have a good amount of friends in attendance, is more than acceptable. Stepparents can be added in depending on your preference. Just try not to overwhelm your guests. It’s not about having the biggest NFL defensive line, here.

2)Keep it short and sweet. You should expect that it will take about 30-40 minutes for every 100 guests. That means about 20 seconds with each guest. Give a warm and genuine greeting and say the guest's name whenever you know it. Try, “Hi Bill and Pam. Thank you for sharing this day with us and being part of our wedding. You are wonderful friends. You know Keith.” And then usher them onward to your new husband. If you feel like you’re spending too much time with one person, let them know you’ll see them throughout the reception and catch up more then.

3)Introduce and initiate. It’s important as the bride or groom to make the introductions between your family and your guests. Say, “Hi Kathy! I’m so glad you could make it. This is Sam; you know my mom, Cindy; and this is Sam’s mother, Irene. This is Kathy, my college roommate. She flew in from Boston.” First names and relationship are the key points to get across. Ideally guests make it their responsibility to state their first name and how they know the bride and groom if not otherwise formally introduced.

4)Don’t guess the guests. The best way to avoid any embarrassing introduction moments is to study your guest list beforehand. Go through the attendees with your partner and look at pictures if possible. And, ask your parents to do the same. It will make the receiving line much more receivable.

5)No-Name game. There are bound to be a few people whose names you forget or miss. The best way to handle this is to just not say their name. Say, “It’s great to see you again. Thank you for coming. Be sure to say hello to Ted; he’ll be excited to see you.” Or create a signal letting your Mom know you forgot a name so she jumps in with a cue: "Honey, aren't you excited Jim and Martha joined us to celebrate? What great neighbors they are!"

6)Enjoy the compliments. In many instances you won’t even get a chance to say anything because guests will be complimenting how you look, how nice the ceremony was and how great the reception space is. So, just graciously say thank you and express your appreciation for them being in attendance.

7)Next! Of course your guests will be so excited to see you and want to chat for as long as possible. So, you really need to be the one moving the line along. You can both verbally and physically keep it going. While physically motioning them onto the next person in the receiving line and slowly turning back to the next person in line to see you, say, “Well, it’s great to see you and I look forward to talking more during the party.”

There are a lot of things to worry about when planning a wedding. Interacting and socializing shouldn’t be one of them! Over the next few months, I’ll continue to provide you with some full-proof talking tips so you can enjoy all the conversations leading up to and during your wedding. If you follow these tips, you and your guests will be able to focus on enjoying the big day and all the special moments along the way.