Denver Post - Are Social Media Making Us Tone Deaf?

The Denver Post this week published an interesting article, which featured some local communication experts weighing in on the social media's effect on communication. This is a very relevant topic in today's digitally-dominated communication world, so take note.


Are Social Media Making Us Tone Deaf?
By Sheba R. Wheeler

How many different ways could a person go wrong with a Facebook status update like this one:

"At the doctor's office. Hope everything is OK."

Within minutes a response pops up from one friend — and another and another: "OMG. What's wrong????"

When she read this post, Denver author Debra Fine feared her sister was seriously ill and started to panic. A few minutes later, Fine's sister replied again on Facebook:

"What do you mean what's wrong? I'm just here for my physical."

"My sister was spouting thoughts that had no nuance, no volume, no tone, no pacing. This is definitely an example of how not to communicate through social media," says Fine, author of the "The Fine Art of Small Talk" (Small Talk Publishers, $12.95). She's completing the research on her third book, "When Texting Is Not an Option."

Despite all the ways we have to stay connected — from texting to tweeting to talking — people still have a hard time figuring out when it's best to communicate through e-mails, phone calls or face to face. Each type of interaction has its pros and cons. But immediacy and lack of foresight often lead to carelessness that can come back to bite the sender.

Tiger Woods' infidelity was chronicled on alleged text messages shared with his numerous mistresses. And Kimberly Swann of Essex, England, made international news last year when she was fired after she said her office job was "boring" on her Facebook page.

"When you are talking to someone in person, you can smooth things over," Fine says. "But when something is texted, e-mailed, blogged or posted on a social networking site, that becomes concrete language that someone can use as evidence."

Fine used to work as an engineer. But her desire to learn better conversational skills kick-started her second career. She now teaches those skills to others in seminars, workshops and speeches.

Technology can enhance relationships if used correctly, she says. It can be used to stay in touch, set up appointments and have more meaningful conversations because frequent online posts keep everyone updated on life happenings.

The downside is harsher and hastier communication that can be easily misconstrued when people inappropriately use Facebook, e-mail, Twitter or instant messaging. People tend to be more demanding, gossipy and duplicitous while at the same time being less mindful of the needs and feelings of others.

You have to take the time to figure out exactly what is being communicated and then decide which vehicle will best help you get the result you want.

Confidential or intimate information shouldn't be shared on social-networking sites, Fine says. That includes breaking up with someone, delivering bad news, or dealing with personnel or financial matters. Opt for face-to-face.

"One of my clients told me she has received every single evaluation, assignment and discussion about upcoming meetings from her immediate supervisor via e-mail," says Sandra Lamb, the Denver author of "How to Write It," which includes a chapter on e-mail, electronic and online communication.

When something needs to be negotiated, explained or an immediate answer is needed, use the telephone, Lamb says. Use e-mail to give or request information. Use a conference call when dealing with multiple recipients to avoid the trap of forwarding e-mails back and forth.

Pause before you send

Think through what you are posting or forwarding and consider how it might be interpreted. Remember that people tend to see things in a negative light unless it's otherwise clarified, so the possibility of miscommunication rests on the person who pushes the send button, Lamb says.

"We are all very sensitive, and when a statement is made, we are looking for how we should interpret it," Lamb says. "In order to live in this new environment, we need to be more thick-skinned and ask for interpretations. Respond to an e-mail or post and ask what something means or if it was code for something else."

People also get tripped up about when it's wise to switch modes of communication, says Will Schwalbe, who with David Shipley co-wrote "Send: Why People Email So Badly and How to Do It Better" (Vintage Books, $14.95).

The default is often to communicate back in the same manner someone contacted you, but that is often a mistake, Schwalbe says. It's why a little tiff on e-mail can turn into a flame war.

"If someone sends you an e-mail that makes you furious, absolutely do not reply by e-mail," he says. "Pick up the phone, because if you reply by e-mail you will amp up the hostility level."

Similarly, call someone immediately if they are upset about a poorly worded e-mail or text that you have written.

If you are spending too much time with back-and- forth e-mails trying to get something explained, call or meet face-to-face, Schwalbe says.

Steer clear of sarcasm in your posts, because studies have shown that for every 10 sarcastic messages that are sent, at least one person won't get it and will take it at face value. Petulance or rage should also be avoided in tweets, in Facebook status updates, text and instant messaging because all those types of communication can be forwarded and saved.

Schwalbe is a big fan of using exclamation points in his electronic communications to convey his excitement. But he stays away from asking questions because they are often taken as criticisms in e-mails.

And the best advice for communicating? Cut each other some slack. A decade ago, few people were e-mailing. Now we communicate electronically hundreds of times a day. Mistakes are bound to happen.

"We may ruin relationships or burn a bridge without realizing it at all," Schwalbe says. "Be more thoughtful about the way we communicate with each other and take the extra minute to do it better. Then be more forgiving of people who don't do it so well."

Small Talk Wedding Series: Handle Your Receiving Line Like a Pro

Welcome back to The Fine Art of Small Talk wedding series. Hopefully you’ve read the first three wedding series installments - How To Interact With In-laws, Get the Wedding Party Properly Prepped to Talk, and Get Your Toast in Tip Top Shape. Now it’s time to think about greeting and addressing your wedding guests.

The receiving line is a long-running tradition in which the couple and specific members of their families greet guests. It’s a simple way to transition the mood from ceremony to reception and make everyone feel comfortable and acknowledged. That being said there are some important rules to receiving.

1)The lineup. Experts have differing opinions about who partakes in the receiving line, but typically, it’s the mother of the bride, the bride, the groom and his mother (in that order depending on how formal you want to be). Often the fathers are nearby mingling with guests and making informal introductions. But, I think adding in the fathers, especially if they have a good amount of friends in attendance, is more than acceptable. Stepparents can be added in depending on your preference. Just try not to overwhelm your guests. It’s not about having the biggest NFL defensive line, here.

2)Keep it short and sweet. You should expect that it will take about 30-40 minutes for every 100 guests. That means about 20 seconds with each guest. Give a warm and genuine greeting and say the guest's name whenever you know it. Try, “Hi Bill and Pam. Thank you for sharing this day with us and being part of our wedding. You are wonderful friends. You know Keith.” And then usher them onward to your new husband. If you feel like you’re spending too much time with one person, let them know you’ll see them throughout the reception and catch up more then.

3)Introduce and initiate. It’s important as the bride or groom to make the introductions between your family and your guests. Say, “Hi Kathy! I’m so glad you could make it. This is Sam; you know my mom, Cindy; and this is Sam’s mother, Irene. This is Kathy, my college roommate. She flew in from Boston.” First names and relationship are the key points to get across. Ideally guests make it their responsibility to state their first name and how they know the bride and groom if not otherwise formally introduced.

4)Don’t guess the guests. The best way to avoid any embarrassing introduction moments is to study your guest list beforehand. Go through the attendees with your partner and look at pictures if possible. And, ask your parents to do the same. It will make the receiving line much more receivable.

5)No-Name game. There are bound to be a few people whose names you forget or miss. The best way to handle this is to just not say their name. Say, “It’s great to see you again. Thank you for coming. Be sure to say hello to Ted; he’ll be excited to see you.” Or create a signal letting your Mom know you forgot a name so she jumps in with a cue: "Honey, aren't you excited Jim and Martha joined us to celebrate? What great neighbors they are!"

6)Enjoy the compliments. In many instances you won’t even get a chance to say anything because guests will be complimenting how you look, how nice the ceremony was and how great the reception space is. So, just graciously say thank you and express your appreciation for them being in attendance.

7)Next! Of course your guests will be so excited to see you and want to chat for as long as possible. So, you really need to be the one moving the line along. You can both verbally and physically keep it going. While physically motioning them onto the next person in the receiving line and slowly turning back to the next person in line to see you, say, “Well, it’s great to see you and I look forward to talking more during the party.”

There are a lot of things to worry about when planning a wedding. Interacting and socializing shouldn’t be one of them! Over the next few months, I’ll continue to provide you with some full-proof talking tips so you can enjoy all the conversations leading up to and during your wedding. If you follow these tips, you and your guests will be able to focus on enjoying the big day and all the special moments along the way.

Small Talk Wedding Series: Get your Toast in Tip Top Shape

Welcome back to The Fine Art of Small Talk wedding series. Hopefully you’ve read the first two wedding series installments - How To Interact With In-laws and Get the Wedding Party Properly Prepped to Talk. You’ve learned some techniques for getting your families and wedding party talking and now it’s time to address the guests.

Toasts are an important part of a wedding. In a way, they can set the tone for the event, so delivery of a toast is paramount. Because many people fear public speaking, that look-at-me moment can be nerve-racking. Whether you’re planning a toast to your guests or you want to get your toast-givers up to toasting standards, there are some rules to a cheerful cheers. Here are some wedding toast tips to put you on top.

1) Do your homework. Know your audience. Who are they? What will they find touching or funny or inappropriate? Determine the duration of time allotted for your toast. Generally two minutes is an appropriate length of time, but try to stick to what the bride and groom have suggested. If a microphone is in the plan do sound checks before attendees arrive at the venue. All in all, know your assignment and deliver it well and timely.

2) Craft a fitting speech. Match the tone to the event, and then determine your message or theme. Jokes may be well-received at a bachelor party or bridal shower but not at the rehearsal or wedding dinner. You could joke that Molly and Paul met somewhat unconventionally, but not that Molly cyber-stalked him for a year. Always keep your goal in mind and how you would like your words to be remembered. Use your own words and speak from the heart to make it more meaningful. Remember that the focus is on the couple, not you. Be complimentary, sincere and mature. The point of a toast is to say something nice.

3) Practice makes perfect. Practice your toast several times. Rehearse it in front of a mirror. Ask your roommate to listen to it and give feedback. Aim to repeat your toast without notes. If you can, go to the event site and practice your toast, so you feel comfortable in the environment.

4) Attract audience attention. Either click glasses (being careful not to cause breakage) or even more effective: stand up and use eye contact to quiet your audience and get their attention. Create a presence where everyone can see you and pay attention.

5) Hold yourself confidently. Remain standing, put a smile on your face, maintain excellent posture, keep your body open (i.e. no crossed arms and feet just less than shoulder width apart) and hold a glass containing an appropriate beverage in one hand.

6) Connect with your audience. As you begin to deliver your toast look at the couple and then look across the audience, making eye contact with a few people throughout the crowd. This gives the appearance of addressing the entire crowd. As you mention names, like that of the bride and groom, look at them to make it feel warmer.

7) Be crystal clear. Speak slowly and deliberately so that you are easily understood. Use short silences to calm your nerves in the middle of your toast. Calculated pauses often contribute to a joke or touching moment, so don’t be afraid of a brief silence.

8) Close with class. Lift your glass and ask everyone to join you in toasting the couple at the end of your speech. An appropriate final phrase might be, “Cheers to the wonderful couple” or “Here’s to the journey.” Then, sip, don’t chug, from your glass.

Follow these tips and your toast will be the talk of the town (in a good way).

There are a lot of things to worry about when planning a wedding. Interacting and socializing shouldn’t be one of them! Over the next few months, I’ll continue to provide you with some full-proof talking tips so you can enjoy all the conversations leading up to and during your wedding. If you follow these tips, you and your guests will be able to focus on enjoying the big day and all the special moments along the way.

New Graduate Top Talk Tips to Land the Big Job

You did it! You graduated! You stayed up many late nights, caffeinated and cramming for calculus exams. You spent hours languishing over literary works in the library. And, you invested invaluable effort in understanding inertia and ions. It’s a huge accomplishment and you should enjoy your success. However, there are new opportunities knocking on your degree-decorated door. As tough as the current job market is and as challenging as the economy is, jobs are available. You may have the focus to search for a job or internship, but are you equipped with the communication skills to make the most of each interview? Are you the master of the skills required to land the job?

While you may have gained communication skills interacting in team sports or academic clubs, or at sorority and fraternity parties, entering the professional world requires a certain colloquial ability. If you want the job, you have to talk the talk. And, that doesn’t just mean answering some rehearsed interview questions; it means interacting with potential decision makers, building rapport, and following up on the relationship.

According to a new study from the Economic Policy Institute, the young adult labor force fell almost 6.5% in the past three years. Meaning, competition in the job market is more aggressive than ever. So, possessing more than just the requested requirements is imperative. What makes you more “hirable” than another candidate with comparable qualifications? It’s how you communicate and how conversationally comfortable you are and you make the interviewer(s). So, here are some conversation tips and rapport building techniques to get you to talk the job talk.

• Meet, greet and take a seat. That is, shake with a firm hand, introduce yourself confidently and sit down prepared to impress. Obviously your name should be known, but that does not prevent you from offering the gift of your name regardless: "Debra Fine, thank you for the opportunity to interview with you." Don’t forget to listen to how the interviewer introduces himself. Is he Jon or Jonathan or Mr. Wright? If it’s the latter, say, “Hello Mr. Wright, I’m Debra Fine and it’s nice to meet you.”

• Get physical. Making eye contact in an interview is one of the most important moves you can make. It says, “I’m confident and capable.” Use your convincing smile to show that you’re personable and friendly. With this physical activity you’ll have a winning formula for positive non-verbal communication.

• Listen loudly. In an interview, it’s important to listen to how the interviewer describes the job and listen to the questions being asked. Let the interviewer know you are actively listening by offering verbal cues such as: "That is interesting," or "Tell me more..."

• Speak sensibly and bookend with small talk. Begin and end your interview with small talk. Approach interviews prepared to talk about the industry, current events, the weekend and even the weather to prevent awkward moments or appearing distant. Don’t just answer inquisitions, elaborate on interview questions to show that you’re mature enough to have an adult conversation. If you get an opportunity, try to make a more personal bond. If an interviewer asks you where you grew up, say, “I’m originally from Dallas, Texas. What about you?” Or, if you’re asked about how your weekend was, reply with more than the cursory “good.” Make conversation and say, “I had a great weekend; I went to the new Impressionist exhibit at the museum. Have you had an opportunity to view it yet?” If you can draw a connection with this individual, and he/she with you, it will make your interview a bigger success.

• Don’t rely on digital dialogue skills. You may be extremely advanced at texting on your phone or networking on LinkedIn, but it’s critical that you aren’t just a technical device talker. Before an interview, practice calling your friends instead of texting them or meet in person for a more intimate conversation. Be particularly aware of your body language and tone since this is a 3-D interaction. For example, it’s easy to casually slouch when typing or texting, but when you’re engaging in a face-to-face conversation, you should sit straight up and in a professional position. And, instead of using slang or pop culture abbreviations as you would with your digital dialogue, use your most sophisticated vernacular.

• Interview the interviewer. Show the interviewer that you are groomed for sophisticated conversations by asking intelligent and thought provoking questions at the end of your interview. Use this time to ask how the decision maker originally got into marketing or what the interviewer’s career path has been.

• Snail mail a thank you. Before leaving an interview, get the interviewer’s business card. This will ensure you have the proper spelling of the individual’s name and also address. If there are multiple interviewers, be sure to collect all their cards. You’ll want to send a proper thank you note through the mail, not email, because your communication shouldn’t end when you leave the interview, and a personal note delivers a lasting positive impression.